Metallica: Pissed Off About Being Pissed On

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Metallica visited the Mile High City tonight! As you might have guessed, I was there. I think this was the 9th time I have seen them in concert. Cool thing is that I have now seen them 4 times since Sydney was born and she isn’t even 1 year old yet! Man, that’s every quarter. I could get used to this. But tonight was different…for many reasons.

The stage was setup in a new layout that was reminded me of some of the mid-1990s sets. They put the stage right in the middle of the floor so you could be in the front row on either of the 4 sides. Then the band moves around the stage during the show so you always have something to see. Even Lars’ drum set moved!

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I took my neighbor with me to the concert but he had to run over to his college class so he would be a bit late. Anyway, the opening band was Godsmack. So we are about 4 songs into the set and I felt the back of my legs get splashed with something wet. It was pretty warm today, so I wore shorts to the concert. Normally, getting splashed is no big deal because you always have somebody higher up tossing a partially full beer glass and it sprays everyone below. But as I noticed the moisture on my leg, my brain told me something wasn’t right because I kept getting wet. Huh?

So I turned around and looked behind me. Picture this: We are in the Pepsi Center; the rows are staggered vertically. So when I turn around — what do I see? Some guy’s penis! That’s right…the guy behind me has taken out his penis and he is peeing all over my row, our seats and its splashing onto my leg! What the fuck? I see urine coming out of him. The closest I have come to experiencing bodily discharge was at a summer concert when the guy next to my wife puked all over. This was different and more personal.

This 20+ year old guy was clearly wasted out of his mind. He really wasn’t sure what he was doing and the boy had to go. In fact, he had to go so bad that he couldn’t stop. He knew something was wrong when I noticed, so he put it back in his pants but he kept on going! You could see his pants getting wetter and wetter as he peed in his pants. He had a big wet circle on the front when he was done.

At this point I am totally confused. Did this just happen? So I grab Mr. Urine and pulled him down towards me so I could talk with him. He had no idea what the deal was. He just kept giving me a “I don’t know what the hell I am doing” look. That didn’t help. I stood there for another minute gathering my thoughts. Then, I noticed that my shoes were sticking to the floor. The empty glass of soda I had finished earlier had piss in it. It looked like Mountain Dew. I decided I had to feel the seat to see what the real damage was. You normally stand the whole concert anyway but I don’t want to be leaning into that. Yep, its wet. Damn it.

So the pee pee man’s buddy is next to him and usually you have to look to the wasted guy’s buddy to be the guardian here. When your friend is out of it, you have to take care of him. Its the unwritten law. His buddy was a bigger muscular guy. I tried to get him to bend over to talk with me, but since he knew what happened he kept waving me off like he didn’t. You would have thought I was a homeless guy trying to get some change from him. Then, I reached at him gently to signal that I wanted to talk with him and he gave me the straight-arm and said “Be Cool”. Strike 3, Fuckball.

You see, at my last Metallica concert, some dork was standing on his chair right in front of me the whole time. He was literally the only guy in the place standing on his chair. He was wasted and didn’t take kindly to me telling him to sit down. He ruined parts of that show for me. I won’t have another show ruined already. Wait — this one already partially is, I suppose. But, I will now ruin yours.

So I hung out for another minute and played cool. Then I ducked out and went up to the landing and found a security guy. I told him what happened and he admitted he didn’t know what the protocol was for this situation. Great. So we escalated to a lady in a more high-powered Pepsi center shirt. The maroon shirts seem to be the bosses of the blue shirt army. I tell her the story. Twice. She calls the security force with a “Your not going to believe this…”. A different army of blue shirt dudes show up. These guys all have the secret service ear pieces and are with 2 Denver cops. So they go down to my seat, inspect the situation, and bring both guys up the stairs and escort them out of the building. I had to file a report. No charges. Just some public record that I was pissed on. Great.

Anyway, after this is done, my neighbor shows up at the seats and asks the people around if they had seen me. They all tell him that I was pissed on and I left. He was there while the “bio-hazard” team came and cleaned the area. They put a big bag over the seat. The bio dude said he hadn’t ever had to clean up piss before. I don’t think he liked his job. BTW, if those are your season ticket seats in section 120, you might want to be sure they steam cleaned the seat before your next Avs game.

So, I ended up finding my neighbor. He brought me a Coors Lite, which really helped settle me down. We went down and stood in the general admission section on the floor as Metallica started up. It was a better view anyway. Here is Lars saying hi.

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Metallica played for over 2 hours. They played all the favorites and lots of things I had never heard before live in concert. They always freshen it up. As an added bonus, Metallica is offering the recording of their concerts on this tour. I love live music and its going to be so cool to have a disc of the concert that I actually went to! Now, I will be able to hear James say “Denn-vaarr” as I rock out.

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So what a night. A new experience for sure. When I came home and my wife finally stopped laughing at me, she asked me if I was going to post this story. Well, of course. Its a blog gem. Its not everyday that you get pissed on, pissed off, and get to do something about it — while listening to METALLICA!