July 21, 2003
Jury Dooty
I was summoned again. So I went this time. If you recall, my last summons was on the day of the special Metallica show. So anyway, I drive up to Greeley this morning to the court house. I get up there early so I go over to Carl’s Jr. to grab some breakfast. While I am in there, I notice 2 cowboy dudes checking out my truck. At one point, the one guy takes off his hat and gets on the ground and start looking under the truck. I was hoping he was just checking it out vs. cutting my brakes or something.
Anyway, while I am sitting there finishing, some wreck-waiting-to-happen pulls up on a BMX type bike. He is a 50s-ish man with a boombox in one hand and a cane in the other trying to drive this bike while wearing a suit and tie. Very weird. But I used to live in California and saw weirder that way. He uses Carl’s bathroom and then proceeds on down the road on the bike.
So I get to the courthouse and check in. Within 15 minutes, we are watching a video and then we get moved to the courtroom. It was surprisingly fast. So we walk into the court room and they start introducing everybody. Finally, they introduce the defendant. He turns around and its BMX bike man from Carl’s Jr. Turns out he has some sort of argument with some dude and pulled out a knife on him. Never hurt anybody but now he is in trouble for menacing. Is that like Dennis the Menace? Crazy bike dude running around Greeley with his boombox and a knife. Nice.
So they pick folks and start asking questions. Its a criminal trial so they are all about can you presume innocence, etc. There were plenty of funny responses by the prospective jurors as they go through them. “Do you presume this man is innocent?” In my head I am thinking, well, no — he seems like a crazy BMX-riding knife man. There was going to be a translator for one of the witnesses. So they kept asking if people had a problem with that. One guy goes, “oh, I suppose”. “And why would that be?” “All these Mexicans talking Spanish all the time — I don’t know what the hell they are saying and I am tired of it.” “Judge, we would like to excuse this juror.”
Another prospective juror just told it the way it was, “I will get bored and not listen to the testimony and I don’t really care to be here”. “Excused.” Man, honesty always does prevail.
So in the middle of questioning, BMX man stands up silently and walks across and out of the courtroom with the aid of his cane — which 9 of 10 jurors thought was a prop. The Judge notices that and informs us that the defendant has medical issues and may need to leave the courtroom from time to time. OK? After a long pause, the Judge goes, “…and we cannot proceed until he returns.” What? Guilty….guilty of wasting my time. The dude went out and pissed and then came back. Oh, so presumed innocent means pee when you want to and we will all wait for you. So he comes back a few minutes later, walks back to his seat, and just waits for things to get started again.
Anyway, I didn’t get called into the box and therefore was not selected. Bummer. Guess I will continue to fight evil and work for justice in my own way here at home.
Lesson of the Day: Some crazy dudes are really crazy.
